and then …. oh my. really? must I?

Perhaps you're like me and when faced with a big new unknown you feel scared, nervous, or shy.  Do you start projects with great ideas and excitement only to allow them to fizzle because the discomfort of stepping outside the known self is overwhelming?  Have you ever watched someone else play the risk card and succeed wildly feeling mildly jealous?  Do you know deep down you could do the same thing but somehow can't make the jump.  What stops you from moving forward?  What holds you back from risking yourself into whatever kind of definition for success you have?  

About 6 months ago, after making reasonable forward progress with Eyes Made Round, holding a clear vision of a forward path, setting up an Etsy account with some small sales, creating this website/blog, gathering yoga conference vendor information and such, it all came to a grinding halt.  The enormous stacks of fabric collected around my apartment in piles, the sewing machine was set up on the armoire so I could pile books on top of the dresser, the work desks were given away to the Salvation Army to gain more space in the bedroom.  The website and blog was ignored.  I unplugged the really awesome steam iron and predictably the dry cleaning and ironing was piled on top of it.   A layer of dust gathered on everything internally and externally touching this project.   It all sat.  and sat.  and sat.  What happened?  Where did all my momentum go?  

I don't know the why for this slow barely noticeable cooling of my vision for Eyes Made Round.   Was it because I was headed in the wrong direction? had I read the signs wrong?  Was I supposed to figure out the bakery and cafe first? what about the MBA and C-suite path?  was my internal "knower" just flat out leading me amuck as it dabbled in a way outside the box idea?  Was I self destructive person who lives by self fulfilling prophetic failures when it came to my dreams and visions?  Of course the reasons could be one of any ten thousand options.

 When I finally noticed how quiet things had become I started asking questions, I could only guess that sometime in the Spring all my insecurities arrived and set up camp like mold on cheese.  About a week ago I sat down and began to consider exactly what was going on.  I've been told a little bit of self assessment always pays off, so I figured I'd give it a whirl.   My brain fired question upon questions eventually get into an all out battle with my internal self throwing accusations of sabotage and laziness into the fray.   After the initial seeming declaration of war I was able to settle on a couple things that were useful and possessed enough of something which allowed me to move forward and not remain in the murky mire.

So what did I find?  Maybe it's what you've already found when faced with this scenario.  I didn't find the answer to the questions of "am I supposed to do this or am I supposed to do something else?"  I didn't get rid of all my insecurities, those I will live with for the rest of my life.  One thing I learned is that the discomfort of the unknown is still present.  So I'm going to figure out how to embrace the discomfort and get to know it rather than try to keep it at arms length.  The old adage of "keep your friends close and your enemies closer"?  Discomfort is my enemy so I'm going to hug it big and see what happens.    

And so now I start again on the path a bit more clear but still wildly murky on the point of this second path in my life.  But at least once a week something new will be put up on this website.  I'm going to pepper my work with my own thinking but also information on the current state of the world from healthcare, which is my primary job, to environmental issues.  I'm going to purpose to do this.  I'm learning that the Yoga towels, headbands, rugs, rags, and rag bags are simply a conversation starter about the bigger issues facing humanity.   

I hope you'll join the conversation.   I think we hold all the solutions within our collective self.   Only by unselfishly listening to each other will the best kind of change arrive.  

Live beautifully and with intention. 

Martha